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When I first had a panic attack, it was well before I had the language to describe it. I was in middle school playing outside during P.E. when I found out that my long-term crush had asked another girl to the upcoming dance.

A heavy heat started near my elbows and creeped up to my chest. My heartbeat became thick cotton balls in my ears. I felt tears beginning, knees knocking around in my corduroys. My best friend asked me something, but I just ran. I broke across the playground to the trees along the fence and crashed where no one could see me. 

I hunched in the dirt, trying to make sense of my nervous system. My stomach boiled and my mouth was dry mold. I wasn’t thinking about the crush anymore. I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was stranded in a cavernous fear that made itself known through tectonic shifts of my skin. I was governed by frenzy, and I had no idea how to stop it. 

Almost two decades later, I am still trying to figure this out. Sometimes it’s still panic attacks, but in many ways my anxiety has morphed and changed. Now, it shows up in avoidance, procrastination, skipping class when I haven’t done the reading. It shows up in derealization, leaving my body so that I don’t have to feel the panic anymore. It shows up holding hands with my depression and ADHD, telling me “Stay in bed. You won’t be able to focus anyways. And even if you do, you’ll never get a job in your field.”
 

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Maybe you haven’t been going to the study group anymore or your eating habits changed. Maybe you can’t sleep, can’t focus, or get angrier than you used to. Maybe your thoughts have gotten meaner and darker. Maybe your head hurts excessively, or you can’t remember a day you haven’t had acid reflux. All these experiences can be a sign that you are stressed mentally and emotionally. 

It makes sense that many people would be stressed on a college campus. This is a place where people experience intense transitions, roommate and friendship conflicts, heightened attention to intellectual productivity, professional struggle, financial strain, and social ostracization. Yet people often suffer through this alone. They don’t hear their body’s signs of distress, they don’t know they can feel any differently, and they don’t know that there is help on campus and in the community.

For me, I didn’t realize I had an anxiety disorder and that there were skills to help me cope until my mom encouraged me to seek counseling and that counselor asked, “what would it be like if you didn’t have this anxiety?” I found it laughable that she thought my daily experience could get better.

But I have seen now that my counselor was right. I can and do cope better with my anxiety than I used to. I am quicker to recognize it, even when it presents itself in new ways. I am proactive about creating safe spaces for myself, practicing self-care, and communicating with other people about my needs.
 

You may or may not have a mental disorder, but you have likely experienced disorder in your mentality. You are a human being. This mental health week is for you.

Take this moment to check in. Ask yourself if your body is telling you something. Ask yourself what you need to feel happy and whole.

Hopefully, you have received many emails, newsletters, and pamphlets this week with resources for caring for your mental health. Look over these. Find what you need to be the best version of yourself that you can be right now.

A good place to start is the Counseling and Testing Center on campus, who can help you set up UWill, find a support group, and connect you with other resources for managing your mental health.

It’s a beautiful day to take care of yourself.